You Are Not Listening To Me!

Lately I've been very busy again. Between giving phonics training on weekends  and taking care of a cucu in the house! What more with my youngest, 12 year old son,  growing too fast ( to my liking ). 

There were many times he would say to me, "Ma you are not listening." " Ma you don't understand..."

And how many times have I said to him "Wait a minute" when he called me just because I had to answer whatsapp messages and questions from my FB friends?

Whoa! Time to press the PAUSE button.

Time to get connected back to him before he says, "I'm not asking you to listen to me anymore." "I'm not asking you to understand me anymore." "You are too busy."

So what did I do?

1. I put my phone or iPad down the minute he talks to me and immediately look into his eyes. 

Now we are sharing more stories. Laughing at jokes together. 

When he complains about how tough it is living with sisters ( he has 3 grown up sisters in the house!) who are always telling him to do this and that, I'd agree with him. I let him whine (... first ).

I let him feel safe with me. I let him feel good. I'm helping him feel calm.

I know when later I give him advice, he can take it well. 

Tak percaya cuba.

2. I make a point to PLAY with him, every day ( or every other day).

Yup we cuddle and tickle one another ( He's 12 going 13 ok. )

Allahuakbar, I felt so good! Happy! The gigglings made me feel young again too! ( Shhhh I'm 50 ... ). Aaah I could feel dopamine flowing in my blood!

And I know he's happier too.

Tak percaya cuba.

3. I now send him to school every morning. For the past year I traded places with my hubby so that I'm not rushed to prepare breakfast for him ( hubby ). 

And I truly missed the du'as that my son used to make for me in the car on the way to school.

One of his du'as was " O Allah please make my parents' work be recognized and helpful to others...

 ( Ameen. Awww so sweet kan!)

Now we are doing it again. I love it.

Do encourage your small kids to make du'a for you every day. Rasa best sangat. Tak percaya cuba.

We also do hafazan in the car. Ok he does the hafazan. I can't do it so well when driving.  You know there are so many motorbikes, left and right on Jalan Gombak. 

So I let him laugh at me when I stumbled or got stuck. Really STUCK.

4. I try my very best to be his good friend. And he my BFF.

( All my girl BFFs are big now. Two are married. So they have their new BFFs. ) 

Well it's nice to have a boy as a BF for a change. 

Alhamdulillah. I can feel we are closer to one another now. Let's keep it that way for many many more years, if not forever. Love you AHO.

The Whole-Brain Child (1)

Baru ni ada orang yang mencerita kepada saya anak lelaki remajanya ditampar dan ditendang oleh abang iparnya (pakcik anaknya) hanya disebabkan si anak mengatakan puasa Hari Arafah adalah sunat, bukan wajib, apabila si pakcik bertanya kenapa tak puasa. Seterusnya nenek dan makcik si anak itu turut memarahinya  kerana 'menjawab mulut' orang tua. Alhamdulillah si anak tidak mengganas. Dia hanya diam.

Banyak isu di sini ye, tapi saya simpulkan semua yang berlaku sebagai PENGALAMAN BURUK untuk si anak. Kalau pengalaman ini dibiarkan dengan harapan si anak akan melupai peristiwa itu, jangkaan kita salah. Sebagai ibu bapa, kita mesti bantu anak-anak kita untuk memahami peristiwa buruk sekiranya kita mahu mereka hidup dengan lebih harmoni; supaya mereka dapat lebih memahami dunia sekeliling mereka dan diri mereka sendiri. 

Bagaimana ye?

1. Si anak tentu sekali sedih, marah, geram dengan tindakan warisnya tadi ( in my opinion, tindakan waris tadi adalah tidak wajar).  Sedih, marah, geram adalah emosi yang terbit daripada otak kanan. Dalam mode beremosi, sebaiknya ibu bapa berhubung dengan si anak pada mode yang sama.

Peluk dan belai anak dan bisikkan kepadanya anda faham perasaannya sehingga si anak  tenang.

2. Apabila tenang, cuba pujuk anak untuk menceritakan apa yang telah berlaku (si anak berada dalam mode otak kiri ( logik, pemikiran rasional, membuat keputusan, bahasa). Try to make him TALK about the incident. Help your child to MAKE SENSE of what happened. Minta dia ceritakan(assigning words to emotions) apa yang berlaku dari awal (putting events in order). Dengan menceritakan apa yang berlaku, si anak sedang mengintergrasi otak kiri dan kanannya.

Sekira si anak membatu, maka ibu bapa harus bertanya soalan atau mencerita kembali apa yang berlaku dan cuba mendapatkan si anak untuk meluahkan secara verbal. Hanya dengan luahan verbal akan membantu si anak memahami kenapa perasaannya terguris. Kekadang, sekali luahan tidak mencukupi. Pastikan anda peka dengan keperluan anak anda.

Inilah di antara teknik NEUROSAINTIS Dr Siegel dan Dr Bryson di dalam buku The Whole-Brain Child - Name it to tame it ( penceritaan menenangkan emosi) , control raging right-brain behaviour through left-brain storytelling.

Menceritakan sesuatu peristiwa yang beremosi akan membantu  anak kita atau sesiapa saja untuk menguasai keadaan dan terus melangkah ke depan dengan yakin. Talking can HELP us HEAL.  

Kesimpulannya, ibu bapa seharusnya berhubung emosi dengan anak terlebih dahulu kemudian bantunya menceritakan apa yang berlaku. Dan seterusnya baru bincangkan langkah-langkah yang perlu diambil. 

Connect emotionally first with your kids then solve the problem.